A Sample From An Untitled Story Of Mine

writer811

writer811

Legacy Member
I didn't know why he was there, or what he wanted with Alyssa, but as the minutes passed it became clear that she wasn't ungrateful for his wretched company. I watched them laugh at some unheard joke in the living room and I felt my fists clench hard. My nails were drawing blood. And I couldn't care less.
Jeremy is moving closer to her on the couch. Much too close. Already dark visions of what I wanted to do to his handsome, flawless face danced across my imagination. He put his arm around her! Blind fury coarsed through me. He'd better not... oh, but he is! He's leaning in to kiss her.
Wrathful, I start to rise out of the bushes and confront him but something freezes me. She... she's kissing him back. In that briefest of moments time to ceased to exist. I watch her pull him closer to her and kiss him back. The way I always imagined she would kiss me. My heart shatters into a million pieces again and again. In that one brief moment, I live and relive an eternity of agony. But even eternity must end and I retreat back into the bushes. It hurts to breathe. I can't breathe!
He is starting to unbutton her top. I can't do this. I can't watch. I storm out of the bushes, not caring if they see me or not, and I run home. I feel dead. I wish I was dead. I march up to my room without bothering to acknowledge my parents. Locking the door behind me, I collapse onto my bed and weep bitterly, my soul raging against all the world.

I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think and if you'd like a copy of the story, let me know. It's not finished yet so you may be waiting a while.
 
It looks like your off to a great start. I love the hiding in the bushes. It's kind of reminds me of Cyrano DeBergerac, of course without the lines being feed. I'm anxious to read more.
 
I'm glad you're interested. It's not finished (And I'll let you know when it is) but it's kind of an experiment of mine. The protagonist is a really despicable human being. He/She (I'm not telling) is severely lacking in empathy and compassion. Playing with people's concepts of good and evil is kind of my thing, and I want to see who people root for when the protagonist, a monster by any standards, is in love and his/her competition is a guy who is nice, compassionate and would be a much healthier choice, but doesn't really love her as much as the pro. does. I can't wait for people's reactions!
 
This sounds incredibly interesting! I encourage you to continue writing it, I'd love to read the rest once you've finished. I love your style of writing as well, it's very unique. Great job.
 
That was a very compelling read! I really like your style, it kept me glued to the screen which doesn't happen to me a lot. Keep going, I would definitely take time to sit down and read this if I had a copy!
 
I think what I like the most about this exert is the fact that it can be extremely relate-able in terms of knowing exactly what those emotions feel like (that your protagonist is having) and being able to share in the agony that he is feeling. I find that your style provides quite a compelling read, in-so-far as it makes me want to know more; makes me want to know how the protagonist is going to confront this unrequited love (lust?) that he is feeling for this girl.

I would definitely like to read more!
 
I love the details that you included (details like fist clenching, hurts to breathe, etc) to describe how the protagonist is feeling and what he must be going through at that moment. However, I was slightly confused with the gender of your protagonist. I thought it was a girl, and I even thought you're probably writing a lesbian kind of story (not that there's anything wrong with that). What made me think that? oh, but he is! -- I'm hearing this as a high-pitched female voice, plus the way he "collapse on the bed" wasn't very manly, I think. Nice story-telling otherwise. Gripping and mysterious. Congratulations!
 
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